What's Going On??

Posted Sep 29 at 6:21 PM

Is there a virus on Reezle?? What's going on?? Should we send out a search party? Should we all take some happy pills? Is this a new phenomenon, or does this always happen at this time of year? Are some of us suffering from Blogstipation, where the words just aren't coming as easily, or have we just lost the blogspiration to post???? ( I think I have blog on the brain...A brainblog if you will...Ok I'll stop now).

It's my sister Mel's birthday today, so I'm giving a shout out to the bestest biatch in the world because I know she reads. *waves and blows kisses*. This chick is the one I aspire to be like. She is a corporate high flyer and a ferocious ball cruncher. Absolutely fearsome in the workplace. She's married to the sweetest guy and they're expecting their first bubba soon. I want her life god dammit!!!

She was the one who started my stiletto obsession. She bought me my first vodka and explained the art of giving a good blow job. She always has the best advice and would help me hide the body if I murdered someone. You can't buy that kind of love!

My best memory of my sis, is the night we stole our dad's car and drove down to Redondo to hang out in the car park. As you do. Mel was 17, and the only reason she dragged me along (aged 13) was because the last time she snuck out, I told our parents and she was grounded forever! ( I HAD to tell them. She was gone for hours. I was so worried I was throwing up. I was convinced she was dead. Leave me alone I was only a kid ok)

So anyway, we cruised down with music pumping, and I thought I was the shit! It didn't matter that she ditched me as soon as we got there to hang out with all her friends. It was enough that I was THERE to watch the teenaged shenanigans. Her boyfriend bought me ice-creams and chips, and even let me had some of the alcamahol. Then I started to feel sick.
I bitched and moaned about it till Mel agreed to take me home. Half way there I told her I needed to vomit, but she wouldn't stop. The car was almost on empty and she didn't want to risk it, so when I threw up all over the back seat, she was ready to throw me out of the car and run me over!

She still wouldn't stop though. So we drove home with out heads out the window to avoid the vomit stench. Once we rolled the car back into the driveway we had one huge delimma. How the hell would we clean the car up?? It was 3am. We were tired. She was pissed off, but we couldn't just leave it like that. Our asses would be toast!

I was shitting myself. I imagined our dad chaining us to our bedrooms and getting bars on the windows so we'd never escape again. I was sure we'd never see daylight again. Tears welled up in my eyes but Mel was having none of it. "Stop your snivelling. I have an idea". She snuck around the back of the house and found our cat curled up in his basket. She picked him up and put him in the car.

" What's Smokey ( the cat) gonna do, eat the vomit up?" I asked in horror
" No, you idiot. Dad will think the cat jumped in the car and spewed when he was left in there overnight. Problem solved"
" But how would the cat have gotten in there?"
" Maybe he jumped in when Dad opened the door to get out" She giggled
" But Smoney hates being in the car"
" Oh for fucks sake, do you have a better idea chunder guts?"

So the next morning, my restless, guilty slumber was shattered when I heard my dad swearing and slamming about downstairs. He was about to go to Golf when he found an unpleasant surprise in the car. The cat had not only vomited (supposedly) but had SHIT in there aswell. He was sooo grossed out he didn't notice the car was on empty or that the vomit had a kind of beer-ish odor about it.

We were saved. The best part was, my brother had been the last one to use the car before us. HE was blamed for using all the gas AND for the cat being in the car to spew and shit. It was his job to clean it up.

Mel never was a cat person.

Happy Birthday biatch. I hope the karma gods don't catch up with us anytime soon over that one.

3 comments

WARNING!! Mushy, girly, corny post ahead.

Posted Sep 27 at 7:37 PM

They say you never forget your first love, and for most women that is so true. Whether it be just a tiny flame that burns in your heart forever, or a massive inferno that you can never put out, that first flush of love is something you always remember.

If you're not an obsessed, bunny boiler type of chick, you move on with your life, you let the flame become a smouldering ember, you meet other men, you love deeply and ferociously, but that little spark remains. All it takes is a fleeting memory, a small recollection of a different time and place to stoke the fire and a warmth spreads through you. It's a delicious delight.

Today, I had lunch with my first true love. From the very first phone call and email, I was spiraled back to that time when he was the center of my universe. That first rush of love when everything is new and your senses are awakened in such a way that you really feel alive. I know it sounds cliched but you live in the moment, you exalt in the skipped heart beats and fluttery sensations in your belly. Adrenalin surges. You smile brighter, your eyes sparkle, you literally float through your day. Aaahhhhhh!

He moved a few years ago. He's engaged to a beautiful girl. He's happy. He's still a hottie, he still makes my pulse race....Just a little.

He's like that favorite book that you can pick up, flick to any page and be totally immersed in the familiar comfort. Totally enthralled in the story, and never want to put it down. But I do. I have to.

Even as I close the book, or douse the flames, I still consider myself blessed to have felt all those things for him, and I delight in revisiting all that we were.

I might, for half a second, wonder what if? Or question what could have been, but when I walked away today, I didn't feel sad or ache for a past that can never be relived. I was happy. Genuinely happy. Because he is.

3 comments

In other news

Posted Sep 26 at 1:07 PM

You lot are bad influences and I'm easily led! The cheating bastard had till lunchtime yesterday to remove his belongings. He did so.....Except for the big,ugly chest of drawers. When my friend demand that he get rid of it or else he grew a second head. He called her a petty bitch and TOLD her that he was leaving there till he and his skankyhoho had a bigger place.

Not on my watch Bucko.

We had ourselves a little bonfire ( I know, I know, I think I'm becoming a pyromaniac, add it to the list behind OCD sufferer and office klepto). So anyway, suffice to say. We got ourselves in a whole world of trouble.....Big trouble.....Like maybe go to jail trouble....But it was worth it. You all will come visit me right? right????.

So we needed to drown our sorrows. One of the girl Mafia has a brother, who is a barman at The Shark Club in LA. Not my first choice for a night out due to major cockfest, but who could turn down the chance of free drinks?

As it was the guys outnumbered the girls by about 5 to 1. So we didn't need her brother after all; we didn't have to buy a drink all night. w00t! And before you think we played any fools for free drinks, we didn't have to. The alcamahol just kept arriving where we were seated. Stoopid boys!

Highlight of the night was our friend of the cheating bastard, hooking up with a 19 year old named ACE. I shit you not. Ace! We peer pressured her into taking him home and she's soooo glad we did. Apparently he f-ed her senseless. 5 times in 4 hours! In her own words it was "like being rodgered** with a police baton. Same size, width and colour". Bahahahaha!! Oh and did I mention she's almost 24?

She can't walk that well today, but she's smiling a damn sight more than yesterday. wooo hoooo!!

4 comments

Pass the disinfectant

Posted Sep 16 at 11:21 AM

I'm trying to get fit again. Once upon a time I could take three modern dance classes, back to back and think nothing of it. NOW, my exercise regime consists of walking briskly between my desk and the snack machine. And the crap I buy and consume at said machine, kind of negates the walking briskly bit.

But anyway, I feel the need to do some sort of exercise and considering the weather has been a complete bitch ( it's entirely possible to lose a pound or two just sitting and sweating) I thought, why not try Aqua Aerobics? How hard could it be? I'd be nice and cool in the water, float around a bit. Exercise problem sorted.
Firstly, it's not as frickin easy at it looks and I discovered that one can sweat underwater! If my muscles could talk they would be giving me the silent treatment today ( did that make sense?) But that's not my issue today. The problem is the conversation I overheard in the showers afterwards and the realization that my germ phobia is completely rational and warranted.

I've always been a tad dubious about public pools, especially since my brother told me about the time a big, black turd floated past him at Bolsa Grande's pool, as casual as Mr Hanky on his day off. Errugghh! But after today, I don't think I'll venture into one again.

So, there were two chicks that came to the class late and just fuck arsed around, didn't take it seriously ( cuz you know how serious aqua aerobics is, all that bobbing around, gyrating underwater etc. It's a sport ya know). Anyway, afterwards in the shower, I was eavesdropping so hard I think I pulled a muscle in my ear. However I really wished I hadn't.

Chick-1; Fuckin hell, we should have given this a miss. My legs are caning!
Chick-2; Yeah, true. But I bet yours are aching from being flung over your head with Aaron!
Chick-1; hahahaha! It's lucky I even made it here on time, we had the best sex before I left, didn't even have time to clean up.

Ok at this point, I'm thinking, eww, so this is her first shower today??? ohhhh jebus, I've been swimming around in the combined jizz of skanky ho ho and her horny boyfriend.

Chick-2; Ah ya dirty slut, thanks for telling me.

I'm thinking OH. MY. GOD! But it didn't end there. skanyhoho had further bodily fluids she wanted to share.

Chick-1; Move out of the way Kirsty I wanna hang a piss!!!

I bolted out of there like the devil himself was chasing me. I spent forty minutes in my own shower trying to de-germify myself. I seriously considered using industrial strength bleach! I don't need this shit. I already open bathroom doors, flush and turn on taps with my feet and elbow for christs sake. How much more can I do to protect myself from nasty asshats like that????

* Finally, the girl mafia needs your help. Remember the cheating bastard? Well my friend kicked him out. Yay! But hold up. He had the nerve to ask her if he could store some of his stuff at her house, as his mistress whore bag only has a small apartment. Ohhh diddums, the poor thing. So she agreed to let him keep a chest of drawers, some clothes and luggage in her spare room. We have some evil plans for his property. Or rather for the destruction of his property. Anybody got any suggestions? We're open to all offers.

4 comments

The Bro's before Ho's clause

Posted Sep 14 at 8:25 PM

When can you invoke the 'Bro's before Ho's' friendship clause?? And is it really necessary to have a penis to do so?

I'd like to think that guys have a secret code amongst themselves like "hey come out, but leave the pussywhip where it belongs" which is code for - leave your stupid girlfriend at home. No hard feelings.. just don't bring her.

But unfortunatley, as a chick you cant say to your guy friends "hey come out!!!, but not if you're gonna bring your girlfriend and sit in the corner holding her hand all night..ya fucking lameass"

Girls suck. They suck all the fun out of your friends who, once upon a time, would have been right next to you in the stripclub doing jellyshots off a midget hookers ass.. but now that he's got a girlfriend.. say goodbye to that!!!!

No i'm not jealous. I am way hotter than your pygmy girlfriend anyway, but it would be nice to be able to hang out again without 'the fun police' having a crying tantrum in the bathroom all night because you werent sitting next to her telling her that she's pretty and holding her handbag.

I guess there are two fundamentally different types of chicks.

The type that if she does have a boyfriend, chances are she doesn't seem like it. Not cuz she's out slutting it up, but because she is capable of going off independently and having a good time.

Or the type that is soooo needy she turns your formerly fun friend, into a dried up prune who listens to BSB.

Basically, if you're gonna come out, bring your fucking nuts with you.

Cashews anyone??

Tags: bf, boyfriend, bros, friends, gf, girlfriend, hoes, hos, pussywhip, relationship

5 comments

Like the proverbial bad smell

Posted Sep 10 at 2:30 PM

I'm back. Couldn't stay away. I began to twitch, blink furiously and convulse. The girl Mafia threatened to hold an intervention and kidnap my computer. Bitches.

* Seems I was taggled ages ago grrrrrr thanks for that, I will repay you in kind shortly. I'm supposed to tell you all my oddities. Do you have a few weeks? Only joking. Here are just a few.

1. I hate sushi. Now you may not think that's odd, but in OC, EVERYONE eats it. You simply are not uber cool and hip if you don't chow down on raw fish. Well dammit I'm not going to pretend anymore. I frickin hate it. Get me a burger dammit!

2. I think I'm developing workplace kleptomania. I can't stop stealing office supplies. Now I know everybody does this, but I don't need any of the shit I pinch. I just do it cuz I can. I have more post it notes, pens, copy paper, staplers and hole punchers than I could ever use. I'm working my way up to swiping a fax machine or laptop.

3. I love really lame, corny movies but I refuse to cry in the theater. I recently went to the movies with the boy and feck me sideways if my throat didn't ache from holding back the tears. But I would not give in. I sat in stony silence trying not to sniff or wipe my eyes. I just will not be all girly at the movies.

4. I think I have OCD tendencies. I have to do things in a certain order. Like when I get up, I have to do things in the exact same way as I do every morning or I'll have a shit day. When I grocery shop, I start in aisle 1, even if I don't want anything in that aisle and work my way through to aisle 12 or whatever. When I clean my apartment, I have to do my bathroom first, then kitchen, then lounge and then bedroom. I don't know why. I just do.

5. I can't wear other people's shoes. I don't care if they are the most orgasmic pair of heels I've ever seen, and they're in my size, if they have been on someone else's feet I won't even try them on.

That's enough of that. I'm starting to think I'm weirder than what I am. I have enough issues already thank you very much!

I tag anyone who wants to do it. Knock yourself out.

* Insult of the week comes from my boss to one of the sales reps. " Shut the fuck up Martin, If I wanted lip from you'd I'd peel it off the Director's ass" GOLD!! Martin is the biggest suck up merchant you ever saw. I heart my boss. =)

* My "friends" and I use that term loosely soundly kicked my ass over the whole weekend shenanigans. We have these sessions where, when one of us is in need of a thorough ass kicking, we text "Sux 2 b me" to the girl Mafia. Then then night we all converge at the home of the text sender with chocolate and Vodka and sharp ass kicking boots.

This week I had to compete for attention with my friend who's boyfriend is a dirty, cheating bastard. Yes he is cheating. Want to know how she found out? He came home late one night and she sniffed his nuts. I swear! Note to dumbass guys of the world. If you are going to screw your mistress, have a shower before you go home. What a tosser.
So she got most of the sympathy, fair enough. All I got were a few " You're retarded, grow up"'s and the like. Ah well. I scoffed most of the chocolate, so I was well soothed in the end.

What else? Oh yeah, I have a lurker from South Carolina. This person has been spending HOURS in my archives. Who are you? Speak up I say? I don't bite unless you ask me nicely. =)

Hope you people remembered to water my plants while I was gone. I'm BACK!!!