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Subscribe to blogA beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes which is why I came here in the first place.'
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes which is why I came here in the first place.'
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A man decided to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35, " was the reply.
"I'm actually 47, " the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the waitress the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I’m 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You’re 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the queue in McDonald's
"About 35, " was the reply.
"I'm actually 47, " the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald's for lunch and asks the waitress the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"
"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I’m 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your penis I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You’re 47,"
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the queue in McDonald's
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
>Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he
>noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
>
>He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant
>said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no
>women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have
>Molly The Camel.'
>
>The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
>about 'urges', so the camel can stay .'
>
>About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy
>with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
>
>Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,
>pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's
>done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
>
>'No not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the
>girls are.'
>Afghanistan Desert . During his first inspection of the outfit, he
>noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
>
>He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant
>said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no
>women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have
>Molly The Camel.'
>
>The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
>about 'urges', so the camel can stay .'
>
>About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy
>with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
>
>Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,
>pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's
>done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'
>
>'No not really, sir. They usually just ride the camel into town where the
>girls are.'
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids."
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids."
Barbie's letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
time!!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!
3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring
anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!
Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
time!!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't want to be around to smell it!) So, here's my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!
3. A REAL man....maybe G.I.Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped out excuse for a boy-toy Ken. And what's with the earring
anyway? If I'm going to have to suffer with him, for christ's sakes, make us anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just do it!!
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe a "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, fitted with fake fur coat, bottle of spray blood and handcuffs; or "Stop
Smoking Barbie", sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it!
Okay Santa, that's it. considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours truly,
Barbie
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have
dinner
with her parents. Since this is such
A big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
After dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first
Time .
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
Before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
Some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
Time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about
Condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
Condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he
Thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house
And meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited
For you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
Where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
Offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
With his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
Girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
Your father was a pharmacist.'
dinner
with her parents. Since this is such
A big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
After dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first
Time .
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
Before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
Some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
Time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about
Condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
Condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he
Thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house
And meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited
For you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
Where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
Offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
With his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
Girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
Your father was a pharmacist.'
A MEDICAL PROFESSOR WAS LECTURING HIS 1ST YEAR STUDENTS ABOUT INVOLUNTARY MUSCLE CONTRACTIONS . TO LIVEN UP THE LESSON HE ASKED ONE OF THE FEMALE STUDENTS .FOR EXAMPLE DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR ARSE HOLE IS DOING WHILE YOUR HAVING A ORGASM SHE REPLIED PROBABLY HAVING A DRINK WITH HIS MATES
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,’ she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?
He replied:
'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'
A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and fucked on the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
"Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and fucked on the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
"Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."
There's a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs sitting by a lake. Several beautiful women are running laps around it and the man decides to use his disability to get affection from one of them. The next time one runs by him, the man calls to her:
"Excuse me Sweetheart, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you hug me?"
She looks around to make sure nobody's watching, leans down, and hugs him.
The man thinks, "Wow, I can't believe that worked!", and decides to try it again.
Another woman runs by him, and he calls out to her: "Excuse me Darling, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you kiss me?"
She looks around to make sure nobody is watching, leans down and gives him a kiss.
The man is amazed at how well this is working out for him!
The next time a woman runs by, he calls out to her: " Excuse me Beautiful, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you f**k me?"
The woman looks around to make sure nobody's watching her, leans down, picks the man up out of his chair, throws him in the lake and tells him:
"There... now you're fucked!
"Excuse me Sweetheart, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you hug me?"
She looks around to make sure nobody's watching, leans down, and hugs him.
The man thinks, "Wow, I can't believe that worked!", and decides to try it again.
Another woman runs by him, and he calls out to her: "Excuse me Darling, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you kiss me?"
She looks around to make sure nobody is watching, leans down and gives him a kiss.
The man is amazed at how well this is working out for him!
The next time a woman runs by, he calls out to her: " Excuse me Beautiful, I have no arms and I have no legs. Will you f**k me?"
The woman looks around to make sure nobody's watching her, leans down, picks the man up out of his chair, throws him in the lake and tells him:
"There... now you're fucked!
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."